I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but i sometimes get depressed. I often feel lonely and unneeded (or unwanted) in crowds. There is no reason for me to feel this way. I’m aware of that knowledge in my head. I’m aware of how I can reach out to anyone in my phone and try to fill that void. But my emotions, or spirit, or lack there of some days, tells me differently. My depressions come from situations, and from expectations that are not met the way I want them to be in my fantasy world that I, too often, live in.
I struggle to feel that I am a part of any group, like I have been before. I struggle not knowing who understands me at a core level, in my every day existence, and will let me be myself without making me feel inadequate or wrong about something. Someone who will be that fun existence of life that I want to experience, and pull me into things that I don’t always want to do, but deep down I really do because my greatest fear is living a boring life.
It’s hard finding a footing in your mid-30s sometimes, when part of your brain has accepted that you are the age you are, and the other parts still haven’t caught up and want to do life the way you’ve done it for the past 15-25 years. I still dream of taking some cross country road trip with a friend who will be able to tell the story with me, or just hop on a plane to a new destination that I’ve never been to. I dream of making these spontaneous movements, but stop myself because I hate being alone all the time. Which I don’t want to be mistaken for hate being alone in general. There are many days that i enjoy it, and get things done, but, often, I spend too much time alone as it is because of my lack of schedule, lack of groups that I’m actually part of on a constant basis, and so i find myself, when i’m not working, sitting at home watching life through a window of social media. Windows that I can easily browse through, but find that I just see people and events that I didn’t get to be a part of, an it pulls me farther down into the loneliness that I feel.
So, I want to find my way back to not feeling that way. To find something like the groups I had in my youth, who lived life together. My own version of the NBC show Friends, or Will & Grace, or any number of other sitcoms that shaped the way i thought friendships were suppose to be like. I miss the day’s when I had a group like the Friday Crew in college. A group of 10-25 people who at any given day we were together in some form or fashion, football games, tailgates, cookouts, or just spending evenings hanging out and watching television and talking until far late into the night.
What happens to the lone wolf when it is completely removed from its pack? It can survive, but as a pack animal, are they not better to stay with the pack?