I’m not good with words. Restatement: I’m not good with spoken, impromptu words. I am better with words written down, thought over, and edited into the best form of themselves. Not a text, nor a tweet, yet not a novel, but actual words that come from a place where their meaning is so wrapped around themselves there is no confusion.
In person, I’m probably going to upset you. I am going to offend you. I am going to inadvertently say or do something that will make you question my thought process. I will say things, that to you seem pointed, judgmental, or harmful, yet to myself, I am clueless of such actions. It is not that I removed myself so from reality to not know I have done this, but that the meaning in my head, and the words used, to myself are perfectly placed in the moment my brain arranges them. I am often wrong. I blame my brain working differently than some; thinking too quickly and making mistakes too often, and the filter and correction department being too unorganized to catch the mistakes until it is too late.
After this mistake, in my self-consciousness, I see the reaction taken wrong. I go to the replay monitor and watch the play from every angle, analyzing where the mistake was made. Then, I will see it. I will see the actions, and hear the words, and understand, too late, the context that makes me sound like a selfish asshole.
At this point I go into several places. The first, I try to fix the mistake, usually making it worse, but I try. Secondly, I relive the mistake, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, over and over again, spiraling down into an “I’ve Got You, Babe” Hell until the world just decides to come back around, and things seem to be right again.
So, I’m sure, somewhere, I’ve pushed your buttons. I should probably apologize, but I need to know what I did to upset you in the first place. I have no problems making amends. But, I have to know what needs to be amended.
I’m learning to think before I speak or act, but, even after all these years, it is still a process. I’m making efforts to be an active listener and not speak to just be heard. I want to be someone a listening ear, and not a waiting response. But I will also remain my passionate persona. I will still get excited when I speak, and still forget and say something that will make you mad. I will do something that pushes you a step or two back. But I’m me, human and flawed. Sometimes I’m going to be a kind gentleman, and sometimes I’m going to be a complete asshole. You’ll know when it is on purpose, and when it is accidental.