A Freelancer’s Isolation

I’m a workaholic. Or quickly becoming one.

Being a freelancer can change the way your brain works, where you are always slightly hustling. I’ve hopefully managed to not always talk about my job, or constantly promote myself around people. Which can be a hard thing to do when one of the first questions you get asked by someone is, “So, what do you do?”

But that’s not the main source of this post. This is about the isolation work sometimes causes me. I’ve always struggled with feelings of isolation or not belonging. Of missing out. I’ve always struggled with the idea of missing out on things. Today, I question if these feelings are attached to work. I spend a lot of my time working, or stressing about not working. And when I’m not working, I find myself scared to do many things that spend too much income, because it’s not coming in.

Because of this, I often think that I’m letting life pass me over. I’ve made a habit of listening to biographies on road trips, and lately they it’s been from people who seems to have lived much more extraordinary lives than myself, but who also are surrounded by great people who experience wonderful adventures and times together. I partially feel that I’ve lead a life similar, but also fear I’ve not allowed myself to laugh as much as I want, or be around people I need, and find myself removed from some moments that I need to be completely involved in, instead of distracted by a phone, computer, or television. The worst are days I do not work and spend those days inside my house on the computer attempting to work, but instead go hours without real human interaction. It is my own choice, but after some time it does make the isolation real. Social media does not help, as we see the best parts of people’s lives spread out in photos and posts, enjoying concerts, dinners, road trips, all while i either spend 13 hours on a set working, or sitting at home alone instead of participating in life.

It’s an odd balance to find the rhythms of a life like mine. I don’t have the luxury of knowing my schedule, nor my income, and finding time to enjoy life can be complicated, but work-wise,  I wouldn’t trade what I do, yet. I enjoy it and many of the people I work with too much, and I’ve worked way too hard to get to this point. It is just allowing myself to let go of that, be still in the moment, and embrace life as it comes at me and take chances with people I want to build memories alongside.

I know much of the isolation is as much my fault as it is the world, because I am terrible at reaching out to people, fearing they don’t want me around, or don’t have time to when I am free, or fill in the blank. It is a challenge that I much take on, to reach out to people who may need pulled back into society as much as I do. To share a laugh, a meal, a moment together, instead of fearfully hiding in the corner waiting for something to happen.

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About chadwickray

Always looking for the next adventure. Mississippi roots, but Music City resident. Wanting to be a student of the world.
This entry was posted in Journey Posts, Story and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A Freelancer’s Isolation

  1. First of, you are an amazing person. Your way of writing shows a lot about who you are, for instance you reflect as a soft and kind person. We all aspire to reach to some place and strive hard but once we reach there we start looking at things that are missing from our lives, by comparing with others. We confine ourselves to terms like “introverts” and “extroverts” but maybe all we need in our lives is a little bit of care, love and attention. You’re a strong person because you say that you want to reach out to people who are like you and that’s in itself is a step.
    Maybe next time you go out grocery shopping, strike a conversation with the cashier. Maybe gather the courage to ask a friend from social media to actually meet up and talk on a cup of coffee?
    I definitely am unaware of what you are going through but I wish you all the best.

    • chadwickray says:

      Thank you. I’m an extrovert, so when I become confined I start to feel the isolation of working all the time. I have hit a point where I try and want to spend my time intentionally with the people I want in my life. Some of these ideas came about after spending some much needed time with cousins and a few friends I have not had the time or ability to see as often as I want to, but am making changes to do so more often.

      • Ah…I thought by your post as if you were an introvert. But yes! you’re right, you wouldn’t have felt the feeling of isolation if you were an introvert 🙂
        I hope that someday you do find your joy back.

      • chadwickray says:

        Far from and introvert. That’s why the isolation can be crippling at times for me. And comes on rather suddenly.

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