I’m a workaholic. Or quickly becoming one.
Being a freelancer can change the way your brain works, where you are always slightly hustling. I’ve hopefully managed to not always talk about my job, or constantly promote myself around people. Which can be a hard thing to do when one of the first questions you get asked by someone is, “So, what do you do?”
But that’s not the main source of this post. This is about the isolation work sometimes causes me. I’ve always struggled with feelings of isolation or not belonging. Of missing out. I’ve always struggled with the idea of missing out on things. Today, I question if these feelings are attached to work. I spend a lot of my time working, or stressing about not working. And when I’m not working, I find myself scared to do many things that spend too much income, because it’s not coming in.
Because of this, I often think that I’m letting life pass me over. I’ve made a habit of listening to biographies on road trips, and lately they it’s been from people who seems to have lived much more extraordinary lives than myself, but who also are surrounded by great people who experience wonderful adventures and times together. I partially feel that I’ve lead a life similar, but also fear I’ve not allowed myself to laugh as much as I want, or be around people I need, and find myself removed from some moments that I need to be completely involved in, instead of distracted by a phone, computer, or television. The worst are days I do not work and spend those days inside my house on the computer attempting to work, but instead go hours without real human interaction. It is my own choice, but after some time it does make the isolation real. Social media does not help, as we see the best parts of people’s lives spread out in photos and posts, enjoying concerts, dinners, road trips, all while i either spend 13 hours on a set working, or sitting at home alone instead of participating in life.
It’s an odd balance to find the rhythms of a life like mine. I don’t have the luxury of knowing my schedule, nor my income, and finding time to enjoy life can be complicated, but work-wise, I wouldn’t trade what I do, yet. I enjoy it and many of the people I work with too much, and I’ve worked way too hard to get to this point. It is just allowing myself to let go of that, be still in the moment, and embrace life as it comes at me and take chances with people I want to build memories alongside.
I know much of the isolation is as much my fault as it is the world, because I am terrible at reaching out to people, fearing they don’t want me around, or don’t have time to when I am free, or fill in the blank. It is a challenge that I much take on, to reach out to people who may need pulled back into society as much as I do. To share a laugh, a meal, a moment together, instead of fearfully hiding in the corner waiting for something to happen.